Torrefaction

 Ah, my old friend is back -- that's right, that searing pain in my middle that says "you're taking on too much! You're not built to withstand this kind of stress!"  When this started, back in college, I would just live off of bagels and milk for a week while blowing off my classes and avoiding human contact.  It worked.  Unfortunately, I'm now employed full-time, married, and lactose-intolerant, so while the bagels are still an option I can't really do the whole retreating into my shell thing, or drink any milk.  And it was never more than a short-term fix, anyway.  Somehow I need to learn to live a less stressful life...hopefully before adding parenthood to the mix.

At the moment, things are just piled up a little too high. First, there's the adoption paperwork thing, in which I have to write answers to questions like "how do you feel about your sex life?" ("like it's private") And I'm supposed to be finishing a freelance article right this minute, instead of blogging, but while writing articles brings me spare cash and free 3d software, it doesn't bring me inner peace.  And my rumbly tummy wants inner peace, or a near substitute, and blogging is like a binky for the soul.  I'm also supposed to be working on some 3d models so I can make some money to fund my new computer.  Working on 3d models on my current computer is excruciating, due to the age & slowness of the computer.  So that's a bit of a dilemma.  Maybe I can find yet another freelance hustle to use to earn enough $$ to buy the new computer so I can go back to my primary freelance hustle, 3d modelling...geesh.  Or I could just decide that one job is enough for any sane person, and just do my day job (grueling enough all by itself, and includes having a "crackberry" pretty much welded to my hip), and stop trying to make extra money?  Seems like a good idea but extra money is just so damn soothing.

Aside from the woes of my personal brand of capitalism, one dear friend is getting divorced and another is recovering from major surgery, so I'm worrying about them.  And a third is touring to promote his fabulous new book, which has just been published to rave reviews and brisk sales.  Which is not like getting divorced or having major surgery, so I'm not at all worried about him, but I'm, how shall I put it, completely eaten up with envy.  While I've been fucking off with one thing and another--career in computers, side gig in 3d graphics, thinking about writing, talking about writing, occasionally actually writing a teensy bit--he's been sticking his butt in a chair on a regular basis for 15 years and writing, writing, writing, writing.  So he deserves every bit of his success, and I'm absolutely delighted for him.  I'm also delighted to have earned a spot in the acknowledgements of his book, because I made a suggestion or two about his first draft.  But it's not how I always imagined first seeing my name in print, and it's forcing me to look at the whole writing part of my life and see if it really fits anywhere.

Until I figure that out, though,  bagels and zantac will have to do.

Posted by alchemist at 10:05 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

I've been thinking a bit about positive adoption language.  I see how some phrases like "to give up for adoption" carry a judgement within the words.  But I'm not sure it serves everyone to discuss adoption only in terms that are pro-adoption and free of emotional freight.  Adoptees and firstmoms in particular have a lot of grief to work through, as well as possibly regret and confusion--you know, negative stuff.  Requiring everyone to use vocabulary that's essentially pro-adoption doesn't seem like it addresses those issues.

I'm picturing this conversation in my future: 

"Mom, why did my real mom give me up?"

"Birthmother, dear. She's called your birthmother.  I'm your real mother."

"Ok, why did my birthmother give me up?"

"She didn't give you up, sweetheart, she made an adoption plan for you and chose to terminate her parental rights." 

"Gosh, suddenly I feel much better about this, thanks!"

I'm not saying positive adoption language is inherently bad, it's just that I'm not sure what words are best for the negative side of adoption.  And for adoption to be a positive force, the negatives have to be discussed and honored.  I think kids (and adults) are smart enough to absorb explanations and not just be limited by simple words.  Maybe instead of the suggested positive language we could substitute phrases that own the complexity of the situation.  And call it "truthful adoption language."

I'd sure love to hear what folks out there think about this--particularly "triad" members. 

Posted by alchemist at 08:10 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

It's been a hopping couple of days in blogland.

First, Manuela asks,

What is your opinion of North Americans who adopt orphaned Chinese baby girls?

And an excellent, thought-provoking discussion ensues. 

Then, Afrindie gives us the inside scoop on adoptive breastfeeding.

now - how many of you are asking, 'why on earth is she doing this?'

And another fascinating discussion is under way.

Go on, check 'em out.

Posted by alchemist at 06:12 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Had our fingerprints taken twice yesterday for our state of IL adoption clearances (which is not the same as the fingerprinting that's done for the I-171H form). Scanned prints are for our criminal clearance, ink prints are for our "child abuse clearance," which sounds like we're applying for permission to abuse a child, but I assure you we are NOT.  Illinois is particularly stringent about clean records, which is a-ok by us. 

The fingerprints were done by a company called Identix, which sets up in various locations on different days of the week.  It's basically a guy with a laptop and a little scanner.  Yesterday they were at a school bus company, doing the printing in the employee lunch room.  There was a display on the wall with a bunch of cutouts of street signs -- stop, one way, pedestrian silhouette crossing.  And carefully spelled out in the middle of the display:  OBEY YOUR SINS.

Posted by alchemist at 06:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Yesterday we had our first meeting with our social worker at LCFS.  We didn't sleep well the night before...butterflies in our stomachs & worries in our heads.  Of course, it went fine.  We were afraid that we'd have to have "fully grieved our infertility," but she just wanted to be sure we were working through it and that we weren't TTC any more.  She said "Adoption cures childlessness; it doesn't cure infertility," which seems like a useful distinction.  Most of the meeting was just going over why we chose adoption, why international adoption, and why China.   Basically it seems like they want to make sure you've actually thought about what you're doing.

So we left the meeting with lighter hearts and a heavier stack of paperwork.  Illinois has some particularly stringent requirements, which is good for the kids, so we're all for it.  But it means we have to be fingerprinted several times and get 2 different versions of the I-171H that everyone stresses about.  After the meeting we went out for a (late) steak-and-egg breakfast, and then came home & wrote up a complete to-do list based on the info from the social worker and the dossier kit from CCAI.

Sample item:  "Take Ahab to vet for rabies shot; get certificate" 

Number of items on the list: 45!

Posted by alchemist at 08:16 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I'm not sentimental or religious enough to say that God is choosing a child for us, and that his timing is perfect, and all that stuff.  Many adoptive parents do feel this way, and I'm not saying they're wrong.  It may be that I'm thinking the same thoughts but using different language to express it.

See, I've been reading archived posts at The Thin Pink Line, and this one really got me thinking:

I’d love to hear if I’m being ridiculous about this. Cuz… to me… it seemed so fucked up to hear that, “We adopted you , because I couldn’t have my own”.. ok fine… but then sobs after sobs about how angry she is that she couldn’t have her own, how empty she feels, what a failure she is, how angry she is at P. because she could have one but didn’t appreciate it, and how grateful I should be that they rescued me from that. 

Wow.  I can't imagine treating a child like this...adopted, bio, clone, niece, nephew, bratty neighbor...any child.  Not simply because it's, y'know, wrong to abuse children (emotionally or otherwise), but because it's such a cockeyed way to think about this in the first place.

I actually have a pretty simple take on the whole infertility thing.  I didn't go very far down the infertility path before deciding to go for adoption.  I could still try Lupron, I could have surgery to find out once and for all if I have endometriosis (and then try Lupron! not a lot of options there).  Maybe my tubes are blocked.  Maybe surgery could correct the uterine abnormality that maybe has nothing to do with the problem but could maybe cause a miscarriage if I maybe could solve whatever the problem is.

What it boils down to is, I don't care what I could do any more.  I'm cooked.  I'm 38 and I just want to be a mom, and I'm tired of feeling bad about myself after years of TTC.  Do you other infertile folks out there ever think maybe you just don't know how to have sex?  Like maybe when you snuck a peek at The Joy of Sex when you were 12 you accidentally picked up the TOTALLY BOGUS edition and have been doing it wrong all these years? I keep thinking "you know, we used to think we were pretty good at this, but apparently we totally SUCK at it, because...NO BABY!"  So yeah, I'm tired of that.  I miss angst-free sex.  And I have a low tolerance for invasive gynocological procedures...a very low tolerance.  The one transvag ultrasound I had was, um, stressful. 

So, how does adoption fit in?  For me, as a means for acquiring a baby, adoption is not as easy as just getting laid and subsequently giving birth would be.  Except that I don't live in imaginary-land, where that would actually work. As a process to go through, adoption seems easier to me than treating my infertility, because of my particular ooogie-woogies about the medical stuff, and because of the high likelihood that it would also not work, while depriving me of most of my spare money.  When it comes to raising an adopted child as opposed to a bio child (jeez, is there a good term for this that doesn't sound stupid?  That is, all children are biological life forms, but "genetically-linked" is just ridiculous, and "my own" is crappy...help?), there's a host of issues that we'll need to work through as a family, sure.  But, a bio child would potentially inherit any number of bad genetic creepy things that have been wandering the family tree for a while, so it's not like raising a child I birthed myself would be issue-free. 

But no matter what - here's the important bit - an adoped child may seem different to me than a bio one, but not less, or "second best." I won't get to say "you have my grandmother's eyes," but big whoop.  She'll have her own grandmother's eyes and that's just as cool.  Would I rather I could have a baby for $7000, and get to be with her from her first heartbeat, as opposed to spending 2 or 3 times that much and missing out on her whole first year?  Yeah, sure.  But whatever path leads me to my baby, that's the right path.  And I say, screw the (supposedly) easy, simple, organic process of conception; hooray for the hard, expensive, scary path of adoption, because that, as it turns out, is how I roll.

Posted by alchemist at 12:12 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

"Torrefaction," in alchemy lore, is the process of heating metal in a furnace until the base substances are burned away, leaving pure silver or gold.

Thanks to Carl Jung, medieval alchemical concepts have taken on whole new meanings in the realm of the spirit, useful (to me anyway) when pondering life's more challenging aspects.

Posted by alchemist at 10:37 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Well, the adoption process is now underway.  We sent our signed agreements & first fee to CCAI, and made our first appointment with our social worker at LCFS.  That'll be in about a week and a couple days after that we're getting fingerprinted by Identix.  As I understand it these fingerprints are for the state of Illinois, not for USCIS--they'll do more fingerprints later.  Our "already done" list is growing but only at about half the pace of our "to do" list.  Get more smoke detectors, put a banister on the basement stairs, update the cat's vaccinations, update our own vaccinations.  Hub has to shave his beard before we take our passport pictures since he only wears it in cold weather, and we don't know what time of year we'll ultimately be traveling. 

Even though the to-do list contains many steps that are about getting ready to have a baby in the house, this feels nothing at all like being pregnant, as I understand it anyway.  If a pregnant woman does absolutely nothing, the pregnancy will most likely continue and produce a baby.  Yes, there's steps you should take to ensure the baby's health and a safe delivery, but most pregnancies will move forward without any particular assistance.

The adoption process, on the other hand, will completely halt at any time if I just fail to do one of the steps that's required of me.  This creates a wee bit of pressure.  My internal voice says "if you don't get that check sent right away, you'll never have a baby!" or "if you don't find a good day care center before the home study starts, you'll never have a baby!"  I suspect my internal voice is a bit panicky and needs to just chill, but I keep pushing forward at a frantic pace anyway...all to get into a nearly yearlong queue.   

I keep reminding myself that this situation actually does revolve around a pregnancy...someone else's.  The mother of my future child is probably pregnant right now, and my responsibility is no different than if I'd met her and she'd planned to place her child with me.  We'll probably never actually know anything about each other (although I hope someday we might) but if I think of this as a partnership it's easier to do my bit calmly.  It's not easy to be evaluated by strangers and to jump through so many hoops, but must be a thousand times easier than what she's going through, and will go through.

Posted by alchemist at 08:32 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Right now it feels like I'm reading everything ever written about adoption, China, and China Adoption. 

The Complete Idiot's Guide to Adoption

The Unnoficial Guide to Adopting a Child

Raising Adopted Children

The Lost Daughters of China

From China With Love

...and that National Geographic DVD that everybody watches, China's Lost Girls.

Hub and I are both distressed by what we're reading and watching about the abandonment of girls in China, and the role of women in China in general.  To offset this, I'm trying to take big heaping helpings of the things I like and admire about Chinese culture.

China: History and Civilization

Chinese Fairy Tales & Fantasies

Hero (the movie)

Chop Socky movies in general

Whatever TIVO can find with the word "China" in it

When I don't have a book in hand, I'm reading blogs. China adoption blogs, infertility blogs, domestic adoption blogs, general parenting blogs, birthmom blogs.  A few of the good ones:

A Little Pregnant

The Naked Ovary

Afrindie Mum

Paragraphein

Life Under Calico Skies

Do They Have Salsa in China?

Once I finish the stack of books I'm already reading I'll kick back with a couple of multi-volume Chinese classics, and a few more adoption books.  And somehow I'll have to squeeze in my normal quota of SF & Fantasy reading, so I don't go completely crazy.

Posted by alchemist at 01:31 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Ortho-Tricyclin is an oral contraceptive pill that comes in four colors.  Palest blue for the first week, a little darker for the second week, true blue for the third. Each week it's a little bit stronger, until the end of the cycle.  The fourth week's pills are an unpleasant olive green and contain no active ingredients.  If I make it that far I'll throw the green ones away, once a day, rather than taking them.  I'm ok taking hormones that make me what can only be described as "sick," but I won't subject my system to the possible bad things found in an inert green tablet.  Striking a blow for natural living!

I'm not taking the pill because I don't want a baby.  I desperately want a baby.  But my body isn't playing along, even a little bit, so my route to parenthood will be adoption.  Meanwhile the pill should eliminate the cramps that routinely knock four potentially useful days clear out of my monthly calendar.  The alternative is to take Lupron for 6 months, to duplicate the always-popular menopause experience, and then go back off it, in the slim hopes that I'll have a year or so of reduced pain and improved fertility once my cycles come back online.  Then I can get back to the soul-crushing grind of trying to conceive, and hope I don't lose the theoretical pregnancy to one of the other risk factors I'm rocking.  Ducky.

So, I'm taking a different path to motherhood.  And, having decided that, I'm finally free to take the pill to treat my cramps.  I'm in the third week.  Last week I was so queasy I missed a day of work.  I switched to taking it with dinner instead of in the morning.  I figure, if it's going to make me sick for 8 or 12 hours after I take it, I can just make sure I'm sleeping when that happens.  So far, that seems to help.  It's made my allergies a little stronger -- nothing dramatic, just enough that I sneeze a lot and wake up with a headache most mornings.  Supposedly, it gets better after the first month.  Even if it doesn't, I'm willing to be a little unwell for most of the month, if it means I can skip the killer cramps.  It's got to be healthier than taking Vicodin and Advil at the same damn time, which is what I'd been resorting to the past couple of months.

A friend of mine was on the pill for a while but switched to Depo. 

me: Is it true it can kill your sex drive?

friend: YES.  in fact, that is the true contraceptive effect of the pill.  There's probably not really any hormones in there or anything.

me: But I also heard that exercising can help you get it back...

friend: See, that wouldn't work for me because I want to exercise even less than I want to have sex!

We'll see how it goes.

Posted by alchemist at 12:18 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)